Tending the Garden

Having recently become an unemployed bum in waiting, this tends to give you a fair bit of time to yourself. It also tests one's willpower. I mean, it would be easy to simply pull the duvet over your head and just lie stinking in your pit until midday before getting up and spending all day in your pants, filling the gaps between Jeremy Kyle re-runs with the odd phone call\email to recruitment firms.

Fortunately dear reader, I am not one of these people. I mean, for starters, have you ever watched an episode of Jeremy Kyle for christs sake?

Hawaii Constabulary Style

It's been a strange week. Like many other unfortunates across the country, I hauled my Turkey and Quality Street stuffed carcass out of bed on Monday and returned to work after the Xmas break. By Wednesday morning, I'd had my fill and coupled with old reservations about my employers, I'd done what can only be described as 'fucked my job off' and handed in my notice. By lunchtime the same day, I was on a train home, handed 'gardening leave' for the remainder of the next 3 months of my notice period. Which is a bit disappointing really, as I'm shit at gardening. Nor do I have a garden.

The Caribbean Curly Toe

So, after seeing the last game of last year and the first game of this year washed out due to the recent spot of inclement weather, we finally get to see our first game of 2016. It was time to entertain a former Ryman opponent of ours in Lowestoft Town. And who would've guessed, that since our defeat against Concord Rangers on November 28th last year, that we would still be playing in the first round.

Sten Guns in Hackbridge

The festive spirit? Don't get me fucking started. After a month of half-arsed and contrived piss ups by Christmas Eve I was flagging, so what did I do? Went to the Euston Flyer at lunchtime when the office closed for beer and whiskey and then headed south for a pre-arranged meet at the Hope in the occupied territories for some beard on beard action.

You Can Say No

When the news first broke about the fact we'd have to replay our FA Trophy tie with our 3rd Qual conquerors Concord, rather than getting the free pass we assumed their administrative faux pas would grant us, I personally wasn't all that fussed. Mainly as the FA announced the rematch was set for Wednesday the 16th December which is precisely when I was due to be soaking up some pre-Crimbo sun and wolfing down Paella in Valencia with the missus. So the Trophy could get fucked quite frankly.

Baby Oil, Bubble Wrap & Bin Bags

Three minutes. Three fuckin' minutes. That is all it took to take the maximum points away from us. Not for the first time this season have we let an away side back into the match by switching off in defence. Still a point is a point is a point as they say. And with many teams around us losing, the damage done was slightly limited.

Don't Touch My Sausage

So we're off back to Maidenhead Hayes & Yeading a lot earlier than anyone had expected. In fact, it was only five weeks ago that we saw them once again win down the lane by the solitary goal from their solitary chance. I was hoping that one day I would be able to see them play in this new ground of theirs, but I have more faith that the development team might actually have a match soon!

No Supervision = No Regulation

As many of you are aware, we in The Firm can be quite a handful where drink is concerned. Most of the time it is ok because our fun is always regulated to an extent by the whip. And that whip is usually kept in the hands of someone sensible. Problems begin when it is not in the hands of someone sensible, like me. Because for this trip it was down to yours truly! Need I have to remind you of trips to Concord last year and Chelmsford to name but a few?

The Eternal Pessimistic Optimist

The Surrey Senior Cup. Let's just take a moment out of our busy lives to think about that. There is actually no tournament bigger in the whole county you know. But then as you might also be aware, I possibly have a tiny, little soft spot for it. That is why, once again, it is down to me to regale you with the tales of our second round tie against the former FA Amateur Cup winners, Walton & Hersham.

Chicken Cup-A-Soup

You know what, I think we might have offended someone at the FA. I know I know, hard to believe a bunch of upstanding chaps such as ourselves upsetting anyone, let alone the national arbeiters of our beloved game. But there has to be something iffy going on when you consider the crappy draws the sods keep giving ups in their competitions.