Don't Lick The Ball

Wow, I really can't believe that it's been over nine months since I've had to put the twentieth twenty-first century equivalent of pen to paper and write a little missive on the adventures of the Gandermonium Firm and a lil' known team from the depths of what is now called 'Elite Football'. Whatever that means, Surrey Elite League or something probably.

An Interrupting Phone Call

Finally, our second win of 2020 has arrived. And what better place to have it but at Hayes Lane, home of Cray Wanderers Bromley. And if you thought that recently was a so so run of form for us, then you only have to look over to these Kent boys to find some real bad form as Bromley were currently on one solitary point gained over the last seven matches. Form worse than Chorley, fact.

Welcome Back Desmond

Ok, it's been a while since we've seen a Desmond round these parts. Think it was back in mid-August when we welcomed one of those Northern teams who showed us how to exactly take a set-piece not once but twice in a row as we shipped in two simple goals to the powerhouses that are Chorley. Of course it was expected as Chorley were to rise up and up through the table. Or not.

Livin' Devil-may-care

Ok, Let's face it shall we. Barring the thumping we gave woeful Woking on New Years Day, January was a pretty big come down for the Sutton Boys. Four games without scoring a goal, getting really embarrassed by Leatherhead in the Surrey Senior Cup and Eastmond getting his marching orders against Chesterfield for failing to connect a punch. So the question is, would February go the same way?

He Swings, He Misses

Ok, so it was a Bridge Too Far in the end. Everyone knew that it was going to happen to us at some point. But when you're up against a team that had only sacked their manager during the week, down in the relegation zone and were on the reverse of a 4-0 bumming by us at home back when that was more of a rarity, you know that we're the type of team to help them out. So shall we continue with another Longest Day adventure? I hope you're sitting comfortably...

Cabbage Crates Coming Over the Briny

A Merry Christmas to all you old buggers! The festive season is now firmly upon us and the games are coming in thick and fast. There's no rest for the wicked as those of us who've hit it hard over the last couple of days are required to head to the wilds of Surrey. That's because that young oik on the YTS at Conference HQ has written Woking (A) Boxing Day on the back of the special fixtures Benson & Hedges packet again. A home game would've been nice. 

A Blunt Dagger to the Heart

T'was the seventh night before Christmas. The roaring fire has filled the room with heat as Bing is warbling away on the wireless, crooning out a festive tune like no other. But yet, there is nearly fifty Sutton fans who've made the trip to East London on a cold Tuesday night to see if our team can finish a Amateur Cup FA Trophy match from Saturday that did for football what Schindler's List does for comedy films.

A Tale of two Arses

Ah, Tuesday night away football, Conference-style. You can very much take it or leave it as the saying goes. But for 20+ hardy Sutton United souls, it's very much take what we can as we have to make another long midweek Northern trip. And some of the matches we've been to a cold Tuesday night haven't exactly turned out to be fruitful in the old pointage stakes. But maybe tonight...

An Inspired Substitution

So the U's have done it once again. There's been a few, if rare, times that we seem to upset those on Social Media who like to have a little flutter and bank on a Sutton defeat in their accas this season. And yes, we've once again caused them to wish bankruptcy, death and all sorts on us for winning a game. More importantly though, when was the last time that Sutton United came back from being behind to end up leading and eventually winning a match? Must be a while ago. What? You expected me to know the answer?

A Boost of Confidence

Sorry folks, it's only me again at the reins of yet another Sutton United tale from the boys at Gandermonium. But to make things even worse (for you), it's that time of the year where a certain cup competition begins, one that has become the bane of the short-minded and the obsessive love of the lifers. Yeah you know what it is, it's time for the Surrey Senior Cup. Get in there!

They Call Me Wendy at Weekends

It's not happening at the moment is it for the poor boys of lil' old Sutton United. We can't buy a win for love or money currently. The worst thing is that we're not playing that badly really, but we just can't seem to put the ball into the back of the net. Gravesend & Northfleet Ebbsfleet was just down to individual errors, Halfax was just not the rub of the green and what about Barrow? Well read on squire, read on...

Stats Don't Lie

Bloody Football Association Challenge Cup shit. It can be a right curse as well as a saviour to many a teams fortunes. For Sutton on Saturday, it was a performance that never quite matched the result and will no doubt forever be remembered as the match that "had that keeper score in injury-time". Yeah, you fuck right off! At least they didn't mention that it was by an ex-player who doesn't have the best relationship with his former club.

Euston, we have a Problem

So, Euston train station, we did have a problem didn't we. A rather big problem when you think about it. As blog titles go, it's a bit obvious, but otherwise it might have been something random like "It's a Skip!". But more on that one later. It was Sod's Law that it was another North West trip that was cut short early. And like the previous episode, we instead ended right up on the piss and watching another two teams battle it out in a division we care little for and know even less about. But, as the Gandermonium rules state: "No match, no blog", so shall we kick this one off then?

Physical Abuse With Your Mouth

It was so quiet. So silent in fact that you could hear a gnat fart from ten paces. There is no one else around as I walk to the station in the total darkness that is par for the course for these early morning jaunts this time of year. Luckily the skies are clear. Fast forward over eighteen hours later and the rain is coming down as I walk home from the station. past the restaurants and bars that are kicking out their final patrons, oblivious to the day that I've just been through.

Digger Dagger Digger!

Five minutes from half-time, that's all that was left. Five lousy minutes. With the match poised precariously at nil-nil, it was only five minutes to go before the boys could head down the tunnel on the back of another half decent performance. And yet once again, a couple of questionable decisions later and it's like if Ronnie Corbett & Johnny Rotten had gotten together. "Well it's goodnight from me, and it's fuck off from him".

Right in the Brian Glovers

I have a little question. What is the point of the linesman these days? If they're supposed to do only throw-ins and offside, then why can't they even do those simple tasks? I doubt it's just this year, but they've seemed to come to prominence recently with some very suspect decisions. Some of the offside calls have been down right bemusing with the invention of imaginary players who appear to play people on. Some of the geezers we get are starting to make VAR look good.

I'm Free, Free Fallin'

It was hot. So damn hot. And were it not for a solitary tree to cover the 200 travelling supporters for most of the match, the day would've been a lot more uncomfortable than it turned out to be. And that's how the team played on this balmy Monday afternoon. But there is one question I would like to ask. Why do we not leave anyone up top when defending a set-piece? Still, could have been worse, we could have been knocked spark out by our own 'keeper.

You Can't Beat a Bit of Bully

The magical mystery Sutton bus continues it's unbeaten journey one match at a time. What was once thought as a very tricky week in the world of the U's, has now been proven to be just run of the mill type stuff. And for the second time this week, it's Gandermonium's very own foreign correspondent to give you some of the details of what happened on a warm Saturday afternoon. That's me by the way.

Trams, Trains & Automoblies

Well, that was something you don't expect to see. Four games into the season as we're somehow still undefeated. Upon reflection, the trip to the almost South Coast would definitely be seen as a point gained instead of two points dropped, especially as it was our first one here since September fuckin' 2007. But we're getting ahead of ourselves a bit here, so lets slow down and start somewhere near the beginning.

Winnin' the Pools

So, the first match of the 2019/20 league season has finally arrived. And in the same manner as last time out, we're jogging back up North once again. Hartlepool is the destination this time, and Victoria Park is the place to be. It might not be the longest trip we're going to make this season, but it's the furthest North that we're going to have to travel for this league campaign.