180 Days Later

Hello? Hello, is there anybody out there? Can anyone hear us? Is this thing even on? Ah screw it, like anyone reads this old pony anyway.

Yes, hello dear reader. Long time no see\read\whatever! How's tricks? Welcome back to your favourite bang average non-league bit of the internet! It has now almost been exactly six months since Covid-19 poked it's virusy oar in and royally fucked the puppy. Ending all life as we knew it and a fair bit else into the bargain as well. No going in to work, no football, no pubs. No going anywhere in fact. Just not doing anything at all. Only what seemed like one endless string of fucking Zoom calls with Joe Wicks punctuated with watching pretty much the entire contents of Netflix and just staring blankly out the window as the world metaphorically stopped turning. 

Double Header & Done

Aah, the old Pre Season Friendlies. The footballing equivalent of non-consequential foreplay where you get a bit hot and sweaty, go through the motions but never reach any sort of satisfactory climax.  Still, they are part of the calendar and it has fallen to me to slam them into the bin on behalf of the Gandermonium cartel before the real thing gets under way at the weekend.

Fair Trade Friendly

So, moving swiftly on from Saturday's nonsense and our third straight away PSF, we're finally back into the (very!) warm embrace of Gander Green Lane for the first time this summer and we're welcoming old friends Dulwich along for the occasion. In stark contrast to last weeks oppo Havant, who as Dukey revealed we've faced some 13 times alone since we resurrected this shite in 2013, the pink and blue hued mob from SE22 have yet to be graced with anything other than a cursory mention on here, as well as the occasional cheap jibe at their trendy, right on crowd via social media.

Battle of the Ex's

Well I can't say that I'm a fan of sober football. That's three pints or less before you ask. But sober football is really depressing, Especially when you factor in a 2-0 defeat at the hands of a team a  whole division below us. But at least we can still say that it's only pre-season and the real stuff hasn't quite started yet.

Garden of England

The times, they are a changing my friends. I mean, take the last few months for example, where there's been enough carry on to completely confuse and befuddle even the most clear minded of grown adults. First we lose our manager of 11 years, followed by most of our squad. Then the government try to bring in that 'porn pass' thing and then just as we think we might actually understand it all, they delay it at the last minute! Plus to top things off. England have become World Champions at Cricket. Yes, England. World Champions. At fucking cricket of all things. Barmy.

It's An Epilogue

They say that a week in football is a long time. Well if that's the case, then eleven weeks without any kind of football to watch feels like a bloody lifetime. Because it's been nearly three months since we last saw a Sutton side round off a very drab final third of the season with a disappointing performance right up there with paying $150 for a prostitute in Sydney and failing to get an erection.

Delia's Early Start

So, here we are boys & girls, another 'exciting' pre-season campaign comes to a close and we're now just a mere seven days away from the start of the season itself. What's that? "Thank fuck"? Yes, quite. There's only so many half arsed walks in baking sunshine even the saddest and most dedicated Non-League saddo can take. Even Dukey couldn't quite last the course this summer and he's buggered off to Prague to see Slavia play instead of helping us greet Delia Smith's kindergarten from Carrow Road.

Walking Down to GGL

Welcome to our latest installment! And to begin with, yours truly has been playing a part in spreading the gospel to a new audience via my Twitter account, a bunch of guys who are fellow Panini sticker enthusiasts like me, so I would like to formally welcome then to the Gandermonium blog and hope you give us a plug to all your friends about this stuff and the world of non-league football.

Box Hill or Bust

I need to take a bit of a run up at this one as this is a pre-season friendly that, when it was announced, left me feeling more than a bit conflicted and I’m going to tell you why. Firstly, am I pleased that football is back at Meadowbank? Of course I am, I think it’s nothing short of a miracle that a prime piece of real estate, bang smack in the centre of swanky Dorking and that lay derelict for years now hosts the beautiful game once again rather than being swallowed up by a developer knocking out high end apartments.

Surbiton Lagoon

Don’t talk to me about heatwaves.  No, seriously, I’m not fucking about. Unless you were there in 76 I don’t want to hear about how sweaty you are and I couldn’t give a shit about the CO2 crisis when we had to use FUCKING STANDPIPES in the street just to get a drink of water.

The Heat is On

Are we bleedin' back again already? Ain't no rest for the wicked these days. It seems like only a few weeks ago we were all crying into our plastic cups as once again our beloved team had crashed out in the first go at the play-offs. Still, it did cap off a season where we saw us finish in our highest ever league position. But we won't mention the cup competitions.

Uncle Keith

We all remember the first ever football match we attended including who it was to see, who was the opposition, the date and who you went with – we’ve all been there.  Today I decided it was my nine month old niece, Emily’s first game to be at Sutton United.  My own personal first game was with my Dad, Uncle Kevin and cousin George. Chelsea vs Sheffield Wednesday on 28 December 1996 ending in a 2-2 draw.

Normal For Norfolk

I've no idea what's supposed to be so funny about Norwich but it seems to generate all kinds of unexplained hilarity in certain comedy quarters.  If they want to pedestrianise their City Centre that's their fucking business and it happens to be one of those rare subjects on which I have no opinion to offer whatsoever.

0239 265 4321. Hello Aqua!

We're now half way through the pre-season calendar and let's face it, I doubt very much it will be that memorable. Three games down, we've seen three goals, all in the last ten minutes. Shots have been at a premium and any vague entertainment is soon forgotten. So would a trip to Portsmouth be any different I wonder?

Dart Bored

So, to friendly number three. And so far, it could be said the pre-season campaign has not gone entirely well. Certainly from a spectating perspective anyway. Two 1-0 defeats, with shots on goal from either side being at a premium and a steadily mounting injury list to keep Bobby & Cat busy. Still, we're not the sort of people to let such hardships deflect us from the duty at hand, that of blathering on about shit pointless fixtures in July. We're made of sterner stuff. And you're very welcome.

The Walter Pigeon Club

Can you believe that this was going to be the tenth time that we have entertained the boys from Hemel? Oh yes my children, it was just a mere three and a half years ago that we arrived in Hertfordshire for an FA Cup tie that was to be the first time that our two teams had actually met. And now it seems like that we can't get away from them, even after getting promoted.

Blue Skies

So, it's (unusually) sunny out, the humid UK summer air echoes to the crack of leather on willow and some lasses grunting their way through a tough point at Wimbledon. Which can only mean one thing, that it's time to put down your tennis bats and your crickety sticks and get your moulded's out. We're back. It's time for the football season to start!

Doing the Zaza

So here we are at the end of another Pre-Season campaign of sorts. And before your eyes are firmly fixed upon Saturday's match against the team that comprises the former Solihull Borough & Moor Green, we have one final game to play. Of course, with four days to go till the opening match, you would be forgiven for thinking that it might be a drab affair. Oh ye of little faith!

Devon Loch

It's only about 4 months since Ebbsfleet were last at GGL in that massive top of the table clash last season. On that day, only a point separated the two sides in the Conference South table. Now, as we stand a week away from the new season kicking off, there's a whole league between us. Still, I'm sure they had a cracking time in Vegas.

The Smell Of Embrocation

"My wife said she fancied a romantic summer evening down by the Thames."  "Hampton Court?"

"You're not kidding, I could barely whip it out quick enough."