One Robbie Pe-thick - One from the Archives

With the now customary shit wet winter weather once more cleaving it's way through the non-league programme, it means another journey back in time for us here at Gandermonium and an archive report to help fill the gap. Still, it's not all bad after Totts bit on the Ressies and 3G from yesterday.

So we fire up the Gandemonium time machine, a 1983 Datsun Cherry (have you seen how much Delorean's cost?), race to 28mph (much better on juice than getting to 88) to blast back to January 2005 and a weekender in sunny Portsmouth.

Magpie Malarkey - One from the Archives

Rain, blah blah, match postponed, blah blah, wish we'd played more games September\October time blah blah, 3G pitches aren't the future yadda yadda, fixture pile ups bollocks bollocks.

Yes ladies & gents, it's winter time here in the United Kingdom and everywhere people in the world of Non-League football are looking to the sky and wondering "When the fuck will it stop raining?" closely followed by "Isn't playing three times a week in semi-pro football FUN?".

So, with shit weather the order of the day, it's time for some more archive fun. And to help alleviate the mass onslaught of Seasonal Affective Disorder, we're off to the seaside in September 2004 for a trip to Dorchester.

Morecambe, but definitely not Wise... - One from the Archives

Another postponement, another dull old archive report. This weather is a bit of a pisser really. I think we'll need to have a word with the league about this 3G pitch stuff, as if we're going to get 3-4 weeks off every winter because of our new found monsoon season we seem to be getting we're gonna run out of archive stuff pretty quickly. We hope you like this one as I had to shift the Smugometer out of the way in the basement earlier to get to it. No fun when you've been on the piss two nights running, it's bloody heavy.

For today's little skip down memory lane, we're off almost as far back as we can possibly go and a somewhat lengthy trip up to Morecambe in the Conference National. Where we got soundly bummed. What fun.

The Referee's a Wan... - One From the Archives

Happy Coventry Day one and all! Unless of course you hail from the aforementioned City in the Midlands. In which case, you'll probably be having a bit of a sad frowny face on, especially if you've stumbled across our twitter account today.

Now, we didn't do an archive report at the weekend for several reasons after the Gosport game was called off. The main one being I'm a lazy bastard and I couldn't make my mind up on what load of old tat to use instead. Yeah, sorry about that. 'Dedicated' was never a word used in conjunction with us here at Gandermonium, unless it involved trying to get another round in at 1 minute to last orders in a packed bar of course. Still, seeing as Dover was off tonight, we think we'd better give you something to read before you forget about us, Sutton United and football in general what with this shite weather.

Saints Alive! - One from the Archives

Now, normally when we get a game called off, I'll pop down into the basement here at HQ and have a sift through some of our old records from the previous incarnation of Gandermonium to bung on here as filler. Well, this time the game called off was on New Year's Day, you know, the one that follows the evening you spent getting absolutely munted under the excuse of ushering in another year.

Well, yeah. We went and got absolutely munted at Mr X's palatial residence under the excuse of ushering in another year. So munted in fact that some of us (eg. me) only raised our heads to read the text telling us the game was off before burrowing back under our duvets until nearly 2pm. Which is why 24hrs after we'd normally do this, we're doing this.

It's a Massacre! - 10th Anniversary Special

Well, we trust you're all stuffed to the gills after a nice Christmas Day yesterday and are now sat resplendent in those socks and rubbish sweater you got instead of the PS4 you were secretly hoping you'd get. Well, whilst we can't help with state of the art gaming consoles, we do have a little something for you to aid with the digestion of that last mince pie.

Hopefully our game today at home to Hayes & Yeading was on and we've secured 3 points, but seeing as it's Christmas and we're big ol' softies really, here's a another bonus helping of Boxing Day action from the cold & dusty Gandermonium archives.

It's the one you've all been waiting for. The result so good it spawned a fucking t-shirt.

Wheretoisthat? - One from the archives

So, it's October and we're already back to rummaging around in the basement through all our old files looking for some filler to keep you our dear readers happy following a postponement. Marvellous. Still, it could be worse, you could have been me (horrible thought I know, but bear with me) today and found out the match was off just as your train to the south coast was pulling out of bloody Havant. And you've only got a really fucking expensive one way ticket in your pocket as you were getting a lift home.

Bye Bye to the Ryman League! - One from the Archives

I'm bored. And you probably are too. So let's have a little end of season action from the archives to help pass the time with a cup of tea eh?  This report harks back to more innocent times. Back when we thought that finishing top 13 in the Ryman and qualifying for the new Conference South setup meant a goodbye to visiting the likes of Harrow on a fucking Tuesday. Again. Naively, we thought that was us done with the old, village mentality of the Isthmian League. Yet, just four years later, we were proven very very wrong.

Still, this bit was fun! It's the last day of the season, a win is required to finish runners up and we've only lost 3 league games since November. Bailey, Nurse, Fowler, Honey, Gray and a Tony Quinton hat-trick. Boom!

Here to stay.... - One from the Archives

Afternoon all. Bet you didn't think you'd be reading another one of these for a while eh?

And if you did, then you're a bit daft. We live in Britain you see. And shit weather is the one thing we do really well, so it shouldn't be a shock that today's clash with Salisbury was called off due to it fucking snowing. On the 23rd of March. Stupid stupid country!

So, it's off down into the basement of Gandermonium's secret volcano lair I go, with only a cup of tea for company to stave off the damp & the chill air. Having said that, it's probably a damn sight fucking warmer down here than it  is outside.....

3-0 & you fucked it up! - One From the Archives

Evening all. Yeah, me again.

Once more Maidenhead's pitch has failed us (is that the third or fourth time now? I've lost count) and tonights BSS match went the same way quite a few have over the last couple of months, so that means you're stuck with Taz gathering you all around his big virtual, online, leather wingback chair for the latest episode in the most fucked up series of 'Jackanory' you're ever likely to see.

England's Number one! - One from the Archives

This is actually becoming quite depressing. To be honest, when I set this up again, the idea was for Juan and Dukey to be the ones entertaining you all with a new generation of idiocy whilst I sat back, chipped in with the odd bit of filler and made sure they didn't break the internet. But thanks to the shittest weather we've had in a good few years, what it's actually turning out to be is a massive nostalgia trip.

Fingers crossed this will be the last one for a while. But given that Maidenhead reckon our game there on Tuesday is already at risk, I'm not holding my breath.

Big Bad Dom (Mk 2)! - One from the Archives

Well, that completes the set. We've been off for rain, freezing temperatures and now snow. No doubt fire, brimstone and a plague of locusts are next up. 

So, with a match postponed we all know what that means. Archive report time!

To be honest, I wasn't sure what to go for today. I was lacking in inspiration somewhat, so decided to simply sit down in the basement of Gandermonium HQ, stick the kettle on and just leaf through the many dusty tomes of past nonsense we have stashed away down there until something took my fancy. Then, after what seemed hours, there it was. And what a pleasant surprise it was to find it as well, as I thought this was one of the reports lost when my old PC died ages ago. 

A Game & a Half... - One (& a bit) from the archives

So much for setting this shit up and leaving it to Juan and Dukey to talk bollocks to you all. More rain and yet another postponement which means another trudge to the Archives for Taz.

Still, this one should be a bit of a treat. I realised I'd not yet touched on our disastrous Conference National season in 1999/2000 on here yet. So I pulled the files and set about reliving the misery of that campaign to try & pick out a vaguely usable report. In the course of this, I stumbled upon our abandoned first visit to Forest Green Rovers and soon after, the report of the re-arranged game. I know, I'll publish both!

Same Shit, Different Xmas - One from the archives

This is getting a bit dull isn't it? Since Gandermonium lurched back onto the scene, we've had several postponements, the latest denying us a decent Boxing Day gate at home to Bromley as one corner of the GGL baize resembled green blamange, with some sand on it. So rather than veg out on the sofa, poor Taz has had to drag his gin hangover down into the basement to reproduce the first load of crap he can dig out have a good leaf through the archives and cherry pick another of the finest historical reports we have to reproduce here for your delight.

U's Crack Rocks... - One from the Archives

Hello again dear readers! Yeah, it's me again. Sorry about that.

Sadly, the weather has once more prevented us from having a game of football at fucking Maidenhead, so you're stuck with some load of old rubbish that had yours truly descending to the dusty basement archives at Gandermonium HQ to find. I do hope you enjoy this one though, as I had to move the old Smugometer to get at it. And that's a heavy thing to shift on your own.

When Scotty went up - One from the archives

With tonight's opening salvo in the County Cup once more postponed, thanks to a wintry drop in temperatures this time, we here at Gandermonium are once more left without content to entertain you, our dear readers with.

So, having consoled a distraught Dukey with a keg of cider and persuaded him to put away his tinfoil SSC until the re-arranged tie, ol' Taz has once more picked a dusty tome from the shelves of the archives to bring some U's history to life.

It's Bloody Cold - One from the Archives

Having sneaked through to the next round of the FA Trophy on Tuesday with a hard fought 1-0 win at Maidenhead, I've been making the most of a day off trawling through the absolute mess that is the old Gandermonium archives to see exactly what we do and don't have. Not as much as I'd thought as it turns out, but that's another matter!

Cones, Beer, Trollies & Crap Football - One from the archives

Well, this is fun. We start the site up just in time for some typically seasonal weather to leave us sat twiddling our thumbs without any football to talk cack about.

The pitch inspection at Maidenhead this evening......probably.

So, there's nothing else for it. I'll have to break out one of the myriad of old reports I've got gathering dust to bore the shit out of you keep you amused.

Topically, I've managed to dig out Gandermonium's first EVER FA Trophy report from the very first incarnation of the site. It covers our 3rd Round trip down to Weymouth in 1999 (in what turned out to be a Isthmian title winning season no less) and the wonderful time a minibus of drunken knobheads had at a place where we usually get sod all.....