Brazilian Bum Lift

Right, formalities first. Merry Christmas and all other greetings of the season to our readers out there. We hope you were all properly stuffed over the festive period and got nicely pissed watching the umpteenth re-run of Morcambe & Wise no the gogglebox. Also, spare a thought for those less fortunate than yourselves at this time of year. Such as those in the occupied territories over the border in Carshalton.

Scooby Scooby Doo, Where Are You? Are You Lost In The Fog Now...

It’s hard to believe that this time one whole year ago I was at pretty much my lowest point in my life, and I mean seriously low. A bout of taking amitriptyline for migraines brought about a serious side effect of anxiety and depression – I am not afraid to admit it.

Permanent Modular Facilities

So who would've thought that we would still be in two cup competitions after Christmas and neither of them being my beloved Surrey Senior Cup. Normally, if we have a run in one of the FA tournaments, the other seems to take a backward step and we're usually dumped out in the qualifying rounds. But we're a proper Conference club now, so it's only one bloody match to make both of the first rounds.

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Well what a funny old week it's been for the U's. Not only have we had to bear witness to a Sutton team concede six goals at home in embarrassing fashion (I'm sure the last time that happened was probably against K's in the Charity Shield at the arse end of the 20th Century), but we also were fortunate to see the boys make it the third round of the little known FA Cup after a last gasp goal from Deacon against Cheltenham.

Yellow Submarine

For all our moaning lately about the FA Cup, the shit draws, the lack of respect paid by top level clubs and the fact it's all about the money these days we do, deep down, still love the old pot. However, Coventry was 27 years ago now. And it's 22 since we last dumped out a FL side and reached the 3rd round. So the CV is looking a bit dated now and is in need of some freshening up.

There’ll be bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover

To begin my blog I would like to say how saddened I was at the departure of Ross Stearn or in my case Rossi.  As loyal readers will know and gather Rossi was my favourite player; even more hard hitting than the departure of Harry Beautyman.  I would like to go on record to thank Ross for his time at Sutton United and a more personal thank you for the signed shirt (won by auction) and signed photo (birthday present from Natalie).  However, I realise footballers move on and so must we as a team.  Good luck mate!

Castellas, Double Diamond & Donkey Jackets

Aldershot. A proper old fourth division side whose name will always remind me of James Alexander-Gordon reading out the scores on Sports Report back in the seventies on the Light Programme as my old man jacked up the heating in his Hillman Minx on the way back from GGL on a cold December Saturday tea-time.

You Can Keep Ya Bloody Thameslink

When is a bad day at the office made much worse? When does a simple little away trip to the arse end of London, drive you to the point of near exhaustion? If a midweek trip to Boredom Wood is bad enough, imagine having to spend over five hours trying to escape the place & get home after another poor away defeat.

It's a Brough Old Life

Back in the drunken haze that was the Conference South title winning celebrations, we tried with difficulty to focus on the list of teams we'd be facing this season. One of them it seemed was North Furby, where no doubt those annoying little electronic burping, gurling children's toys come from. Then we focused a bit more and saw it was actually spelt 'Ferriby'.

Ooh Aah...Just a Little Bit

After last night's taste of the big time at Wembley, it's back down to earth with about as bread and butter a Conference game as it's possible to get. Barrow at home. Old scool. I just hope they don't have that bloody Cowperthwaite bloke up front any more.

Auld Enemy, Modern Football

Long ago, I used to be proper mad for England internationals. So mad in fact, that we hardy Sutton idiots were to be found at Wembley watching utter shite like the friendly with Chile in 1989 where the grand old national stadium could be found with under 16,000 rattling around for a 0-0 draw. Well, when it comes to shit football...

Got Nil-Nil Written All Over It

So it's FA Cup First Round day! Time to dust off the old Amber & Chocolate rosette, grab you wooden clacker and hoist the second biggest tin-foil cup you own (the biggest one obviously being your tin-foil Surrey Senior Cup) high above you head. After the defeat of the Vegans & Vegetarians in the round before, Dartford away was our reward. Not quite the glory tie you hope for, and it's more of a qualifying round match, but a winnable tie nonetheless.

The Duke of York

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The Giraffe, the Pelly & Emily

Hello Gandermonium readers and welcome to another blog from Robbo for the home fixture against Maidstone United.  For literacy bods you may notice the title of this blog as being one of Roald Dahl’s works and as a child I loved reading his books – Charlie Bucket what a hero!

A Pub Crawl with Betty Ford

There was a quiet murmur in the room, the smell of anticipation was everywhere. Some of the lads were up at the front, their expectation like that of school kids waiting for the tuck shop to open. Others that were more experienced in these situations had more of a look of mild disappointment that comes with every time this happens all ready, but yet they couldn't turn their heads away. So where were some of The Firm doing on a dreary Monday night?

Come On Everybody!

We're always moaning, amongst other things, about the draws the FA decide to lumber us with in their competitions. The reasons for this are simple. We're miserable bastards and the FA keep making us go to Hemel fucking Hempstead. Thankfully however, this year they've been way more generous.

Dos 500 Dukey 498

Greetings fellow readers, first things first Tuesday was not only another away game loss to Dover Athletic but it was also yours truly’s birthday – some good guesses on how old I really am have been made, some not so good!

The Fotze, The Fica & The Fitta

The second midweek away trip of the season is now upon us as we have a little cruise to Kent to contend with. This obviously means that it's a quick in and out job like you get with the neighbour's wife. And as most people know, we've to make this trip without the recently departed Wishart. No he's not brown bread, he just wants his bread buttered differently, and with more expensive butter. You know, the sort of stuff you get in Waitrose.

A Blessing In Dis-Guiseley...

Having had a somewhat hectic start to our Conference return, I was finally forced to accept financial defeat and give Eastleigh away a big old empty wallet style swerve. Not that I was that upset, mostly as it's a place where our record is almost Hornchurch-esque and we rarely even score let alone get 3 points there. Still, that didn't mean I refrained from swearing loudly when Bedse's 85th minute peno was saved.

Denys, Denise, Der Knees

Jesus, how long has it been since we've seen Sutton win away? A quick look back at the records show that it was in fact bloody Lincoln back in the middle of August. And that was also the last time we managed to stick the ball back into the back of the net away from GGL as well! Trips to Chester, Gateshead and Wrexham have proven to be as pointless as a limp dick in the Playboy mansion.

Half Man Half Biscuit

Tranmere Rovers.  At home. On my birthday and on TV?

When those balls drop into place in that sequence you get a feeling your luck is in and that if you bumped into Suzannah Reid in the Tesco's car park and invited her into the van to check your jump leads she would drop her "bags for life" and leap at the chance.

The 81p Cash Out

One was going to start my blog by saying a sarcastic "Thank you Mr Ayre for the kind handover" as he forgot to include said formailty in his blog from the game against Wrexham.  However, I note that our editor has included the formal handover in an amended document, so thank you sir.

Failed in Wales

The screaming sound of the alarm goes off, it reads 0530. I slowly rise up and look around aimlessly, and for a split second I think I'm late for yet another working day. For the third consecutive Saturday we are due to play away again. After the drubbing at Chester and the total fuck up that was Gateshead away, we now have to head to the other participant of that needless set of bubble matches that is Wrexham.

Blog On The Tyne

If you've been hanging around these here parts for any length of time, you may be aware that we here at Gandermonium have a motto of sorts. "Leave no man behind! (Unless mutually inconvenient to the rest of the group)". And we meant it too. Well, until Saturday night at least.

Is This A Dagger I See Before Me?

So at precisely 10:30 on Sunday evening yours truly gets a message on Twitter. That’s @krobbo81 by the way (bit of free advertising never hurt!) – asking for moi to do the entry for the game against Dagenham and Redbridge. No problem says I, despite the late notice. So you dear readers now all get the luxury of another Robbo blog!

Back to Reality

Is it true that we have attained our highest ever league position recently? "Yes luv, we're the 95th best team in England". Is it true that despite them being ex-league clubs, we've been on the receiving end of some of the most sourest of grapes? Shit Ground, Shit team, Shit food, blah blah blah... Is it also true that Hitler had one ball? Well actually, no, that isn't true but the others are.

Nagasaki Sauce

It's been an interesting old start to the season so far. A disappointing opening day defeat, then a deserved point at one of the favourites, a stonking away win at an ex-FL mob and then outplaying another in front of 1600+ at GGL on a Tuesday night. That's right. Over 1600 in our gaff. On a Tuesday. Bloody daft if you ask me.

Fish & Chips, But You Only Have The Fork

Thank you Dukey for the kind handover squire, I was more than delighted with Saturday’s away win at Lincoln.  Some of their supporters’ tweets that were being retweeted by fellow U’s fans were quite a highlight too. According to them we are some small tinpot club. Do they know Carshalton? Or Kingstonian?

The Limpin' Imps

Our first Saturday away trip has finally arrived. And for the second time this week we get to visit a new ground. If Forest Green was one experience, then a little excursion to the northern lands that are Lincolnshire was going to be something different all together. But one thing that was definitely going to be the same we was the fact that the new kits had still yet to be delivered.

Vegan Football

It seems that the most traditional starts of the season under Our Lord Dos is a defeat. In fact you have to go back nearly six years ago and to the Ryman League to see us avoid defeat against Concord Rangers with a boring 0-0 draw and even further back to a Mr Payne opening day hat-trick against Margate for a win. But like where we've played Havant twice in succession on the first away match of the season, you have to go no further that look at the fixtures from the 99/00 season to see who would be our first away opponents again. None other than Forest Green Rovers.

The Sixteen Year Itch

Ah! At last, the opening day of the season! A day greeted with almost universal joy amongst football supporters everywhere. And we here at Gandermonium are no different. Well, at least until we then remember that Sutton United FC are usually absolute toilet in such fixtures. At which point we sigh, shrug our shoulders and simply get into the bar an hour earlier than we normally would to ensure the alcoholic padding is adequate enough for the occasion.

Doing the Zaza

So here we are at the end of another Pre-Season campaign of sorts. And before your eyes are firmly fixed upon Saturday's match against the team that comprises the former Solihull Borough & Moor Green, we have one final game to play. Of course, with four days to go till the opening match, you would be forgiven for thinking that it might be a drab affair. Oh ye of little faith!

Devon Loch

It's only about 4 months since Ebbsfleet were last at GGL in that massive top of the table clash last season. On that day, only a point separated the two sides in the Conference South table. Now, as we stand a week away from the new season kicking off, there's a whole league between us. Still, I'm sure they had a cracking time in Vegas.

The Smell Of Embrocation

"My wife said she fancied a romantic summer evening down by the Thames."  "Hampton Court?"

"You're not kidding, I could barely whip it out quick enough."

Chinese Palm Trees

After finally decontaminating myself after going deep into enemy lines at K’s midweek, it was time for young Robbo to take the reins and return to Gandermonium blog duties!

Special K's

Ah, Kingstonian. Who would've thought, a mere five miles separates the two grounds, but it is two clubs that, for the time being, are going in different directions. As we are about to engage in a 9th season at the top of the non-league pyramid, K's are once again trying to get out of the Isthmian and play, for the first time ever, at Conference South level.

A Shit Akinfenwa?

Normally, the return of the football season wold be a reason to be cheerful. Sadly, if like me you're a self-made jobless twat and have had to sell that pot you were pissing in to cover the mortgage, then it really isn't that great. Especially when your 5 first aways are at new grounds and 4 of those being good piss-up potential. Then it's almost fucking depressing.

A Tale of Two Halfs

Every year we always say the same thing, and every year we never actually go through with it. The old "I'm not going to watch any of the pre-season," line is always banded around at this time of year. But once again we all found our way down to Gander Green Lane for the first pre-season friendly of 2016/17. It seemed liked we'd not left the place and with the Euros on down the club, we in fact hadn't!

Sad All Over

As we're Non-Leaguers, our FA Cup interest usually begins somewhere around September\October time. And frequently ends around then too. But if we're really lucky we might get to stumble through a couple of rounds, pinch a few FA Pounds for the kitty and get our name in the paper. So when the Final rocks round come May, we've usually already got our feet up at home. And if we're feeling really active, we'll go to the pub and watch it.

2015/2016 Season Review - Part 3

So, in Part 2 we were knocked out of the Trophy and then let back in, the boys really started picking up some points in the league and then front runners tantalisingly started dropping some. Which has made things rather exciting for the last part of our season review for a fucking change! Do we get to Wembley? Can we hunt down Ebbsfleet for the title or are we doomed to the misery of the Play Offs again?

Clicky clicky, findy outy!

2015/2016 Season Review - Part 2

In Part 1 after a slow-ish start and a mildly disappointing FA Cup exit, it's all eyes on the League now. Sadly, that's not gone quite as well as we'd hoped so far and the leading teams are already seemingly miles ahead of us. Plus we've already shed our captain. So it's time to pull up our socks and get on with winning some points! Well, once we've got the FA Trophy and dreams of Wembley out of the way that is...

Here's Part 2 with all the details.

2015/2016 Season Review - Part 1

With the season done & dusted and celebratory hangovers to be dealt with, here's the first part of our Annual end of season filler material Season Review. Like most seasons, we don't start particularly quickly. But unlike last season, we do at least improve a bit over the course of the 9 months. Quite a lot in fact. So much so, it all ends happily every after. And then some.

But that's all to come way down the line in Parts 2 & 3. You've got to plough through all the boring stuff before we get to the exciting bit. Think of it like having nothing but Broccoli for starter and main course, with a lovely bit of treacle sponge & custard for dessert.

Time Gentleman Please

It's six o'clock on a Saturday morning. My dreams of a jelly wrestling competition in a paddling pool involving Jamie Lee Curtis & Sigourney Weaver are rudely interfered with by the Soviet nation anthem, "Soyuz nerushimy respublik svobodnykh" bellowing out at this ungodly hour for a weekend morning from my phone. I would've put the writing in what Mr X calls "Acrylic" for that bit, but couldn't be fuckin' bothered!

I Saw The Sign

With the big showdown at GGL last week decided in favour of the good guys, we knew that one more win would all but give us the title going into the last weekend as our goal difference is far better than Gravesend Ebbsfleet's. But there was still that elephant in the room. Albeit, a rather quiet one. The points deduction from the St Albans game. We still had no news on how that would go.

Viva Las Vegas!

It's been a funny old season. Back in early November, we'd just lost to bloody HandY at home (again, one nil, only shot on goal) and found ourselves sitting 12th in the table, some 14 points behind the leaders Ebbsfleet. At that point, it looked like a serious effort would be needed just to make the play-off spots. We weren't playing badly, just lacking consistency. Title challengers? Er, no. Since then? Well, we've improved a bit to be honest.

Just relax & take it easy

Thank you very much Dukey for the kind hand-over from the previous blog!  Determining on tonight’s result this could very well be the last time I write for Gandermonium.  You readers may remember me writing in the Weston-super-Mare entry that Natalie labelled me a “bop” because each time I have written for this lot, doing the games against Bath City and Weston-super-Mare, we drew both of them.

Jolly Boys' Outing to Margate

Wow, you have to go a long long way back to find a time when Gravesend Ebbsfleet weren't top of the league (middle of September apparently). But for forty fives minutes on Saturday, it was the mighty Sutton that ascended that very summit to bask briefly in all its glory. Of course, win against Stortford on Monday night and we're top again, but for a little longer. While on Saturday it seemed that it didn't matter.

Hello, Specsavers?

So, here we are. Super Duper Amazeo-massive clash number 1 of the Conference South title run in. Maidstone away. El Plastico pt2 if you will. And they don't really come a lot bigger than this at our level. 2nd v 3rd. We're unbeaten in 20. They've got one of the best home records in the league. 2200+ average crowds. Fuckin' Ada, if that sort of thing doesn't give you a full on football chubby, then nowt will. Unless you're dead of course. Or maybe a woman. Ok, so maybe I've not thought this one through properly. Sue me.

When the Going Gets Tough

So, as we head into the final month of the season, we are faced with the real possibility of having a shot at the title. We wouldn't have considered the prospect a mere couple of months ago. But with Gravesend  Ebbsfleet slipping up more times than a drunk man on ice, they have left the door open not just for us but for Maidstone also.

Toilet Duck

As a god-fearing atheist Easter is probably my favourite of the religious holidays currently on offer although I still don’t understand why it is held on totally random dates or some of the highly strange licensing/shop opening hours that it throws up. As well as signalling the potential start of some warmer weather and longer days Easter also tends to be pivotal in terms of what matters most – the footballing calendar.

Taking Care of Business

Here we are. Time for our longest trip of the season down to Cornwall. Usually this is also one of the quietest for the gang with us normally all tucked up in bed by 9pm with a good book and a horlicks. And if you believe that load of old flannel, you'll believe absolutely anything! If by some chance you did swallow that pack of lies, feel free to email us your bank details. You know, for er...safe keeping.

Cheerios & Lube

Well, I think Saturday was rather successful as awaydays go! A nice day out in Gosport, we got thoroughly beered up, found some new pubs, we got to use a ferry to get to a game, no trains were missed & no one died. Top stuff. Oh and we won the game 2-0 as well. Which helps a bit.

Frothy Coffee

So, after the huge disappointment of our Surrey Senior Cup exit (not that I'm bitter about it in any way) it was time to turn our attention back to the possibility of trying to catch Gravesend Ebbsfleet in the league. With ten games to go, the points different is currently 12pts. The simple requirement for us is to win every game. Doddle.

Tears of Disappointment

Why thank you for the hand over Keith "Brandy makes me violent to animals" Robinson. And welcome to another blog about the trophy no one they all want to win, the Surrey Senior Cup. So, who were to stand in our way for a record 29th showpiece? None other than that two time final bogey team, those bloody Southern League Division One Central lot, Godalming Town.

Quick as a “pig in a tail”

First of all you readers might think what on earth does the title mean? And I will answer by simply saying “I don’t know”, it’s some comment Natalie came up with and thought it sounded humorous – so there you have it. You will have to ask her!!

Spanky Neighbour

Ah St Albans. Usually one of the groovy Gandermonium gang's favourite awaydays. A nice town, an easy single train journey up, plenty of pubs in which to refresh ourselves and a decent record there on the football front. What could possibly go wrong? Well, if you've been following us for a while, you might remember our trip up there early last season ended somewhat inconveniently for 1 or 2 members of the mob. So the answer to the question no one asked was: Quite a lot.

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

Well I didn't see that result coming. A win maybe, but a damn near thrashing? After struggling to beat lower opposition the week before, I felt that Saturday's game might be a little harder than what we experienced. I mean, just by looking at the form guide, you saw two teams in the upper echelons that could no doubt have cancelled each other out in a drab 0-0 draw.

Knapping Time

So, it takes us to the back end of February to finally see a new ground this season. I mean, it may be a poky little place in the arse end of nowhere (aka Woking), but it's somewhere new for us to go to. Oh but wait, two days before we are due to descend on Knaphill the game is reversed on account of the home team apparently being unable to hold the game on this new fancy surface called 'grass' they use. Well that's just fuckin' typical!

Philosophical Lemmings

Now, I'd pre-prepared a little intro here which lead me into taking the piss out of Steve King and his departure from Whitehawk. Sadly, events at Hemel have surpassed this slightly so I've had to change it a touch to this, but we'll get to all that in a little bit. Am I still going to take the piss out of Mr King? You bet your arse I am.

Lemon & Chocolate Crisps

Injury crisis, what injury Crisis? In the aftermath of Bognor, the casualty list was so long that even Dukey fancied his chaces of getting a run out against Bath. There was even talk of loan players and maybe even a new signing, but nope. Nothing doing. Instead we put out a pretty familiar line up against the South West folks and got a point. Although the fact we ended the game with a front two who's combined age is less than my own does at least point towards the squad being a touch stretched.

I came, I saw, I puked (x5)...

Greetings fellow readers of Gandermonium.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank the guys at Gandermonium for allowing me to provide a guest appearance on their blog – although guess this may be the last!  I always wanted to be a sports journalist of some calibre but ended up being a civil servant!  It’s fair to say I feel they have fully incorporated me into their group – cheers lads but I am sorry if this ends up being too corporate!

Don't Smash your Head against a Rock

Oh well, another dream down the swanny. Just when you start to thinking about a "Tuesday night in Torquay", the thought is sent crashing against the rocks of a condom & needle strewn South coast beach. But don't worry this won't be a sulk (much) like if we lose at Knaphill for example. Or when we lost in the final of the Surrey Senior Cup and I cried for an hour after the game.

A Couple of Sovereigns

They say you learn something new everyday. And it's total bollocks. In fact I am proud to say that I haven't really learnt anything since about 1978 and in the words of the late, great Lemmy "That's the way I like it baby, I don't want to live forever." But I may or not have learnt a couple of things on Saturday from the travelling Bognor fans but more of that later when I eventually get on to the matter in hand.

No Hablo Espanol! - Football Abroad

With Christmas fast approaching, most people would be concentrating on Presents, mince pies and what size turkey they need to feed the 5,000 on the big day. Me & the missus however aren't 'most people' and with a very trying year at work for me plus a hard 2nd year at Uni for her, we decided that rather than join the usual Xmas madness, we were going to sod off somewhere warm and instead keep minimum wage slaves in a job by doing all our shopping on Amazon when we got back.

A Bit of a Cocker

So tell me, what have Woodstock, Pulp & Brookside got in common? Well to be honest, and here at Gandermonium it could mean anything, it all started with the late Jarvis Joe Cocker (or was it the Spice Girls?) and ended up with Sutton United being mentioned in divorce papers. Yeah on second thoughts, don't bother trying to join the dots on that one, fuck knows how we managed.

400 up. Dundo's Gonna Get Ya!

It’s been a while since I’ve sat here on a Sunday morning and put together one these updates, and to be honest I was a little rusty. I'd lost the natural flow you need for this sort of thing. So I called up Dukey on Sunday morning for a bit of advice on how this stuff works again, and his best bit of advice was just do what you normally do Juan, write a load of bollocks as usual. Remember what it says on the blog, Sutton United, Beer and Bollox. Well thanks for your ever so helpful advice big man.

Curzon a Fuss

It's back. The FA Trophy returns to once more tantalise us with the rather ambitious dream of a day out at Wembley. And despite all our whinging this season (and past ones!) about samey old draws, the FA finally relented and gave us someone a bit different in Curzon Ashton. And I don't mean to be rude, but even hardy old stagers like us scratched our heads at that one and muttered "Never heard of 'em" before turning to Google for information.

Aden & Raiden

God you gotta love a cup tie. Well except when you lose of course. I mean, it's no good getting all excited for a game knowing that all it would take is a last minute kick in the old proverbials (Merstham away springs to mind) or to play with you strongest team available and still lose to a team several divisions below you (Merstham away still springs to mind).

Tending the Garden

Having recently become an unemployed bum in waiting, this tends to give you a fair bit of time to yourself. It also tests one's willpower. I mean, it would be easy to simply pull the duvet over your head and just lie stinking in your pit until midday before getting up and spending all day in your pants, filling the gaps between Jeremy Kyle re-runs with the odd phone call\email to recruitment firms.

Fortunately dear reader, I am not one of these people. I mean, for starters, have you ever watched an episode of Jeremy Kyle for christs sake?

Hawaii Constabulary Style

It's been a strange week. Like many other unfortunates across the country, I hauled my Turkey and Quality Street stuffed carcass out of bed on Monday and returned to work after the Xmas break. By Wednesday morning, I'd had my fill and coupled with old reservations about my employers, I'd done what can only be described as 'fucked my job off' and handed in my notice. By lunchtime the same day, I was on a train home, handed 'gardening leave' for the remainder of the next 3 months of my notice period. Which is a bit disappointing really, as I'm shit at gardening. Nor do I have a garden.

The Caribbean Curly Toe

So, after seeing the last game of last year and the first game of this year washed out due to the recent spot of inclement weather, we finally get to see our first game of 2016. It was time to entertain a former Ryman opponent of ours in Lowestoft Town. And who would've guessed, that since our defeat against Concord Rangers on November 28th last year, that we would still be playing in the first round.