Sten Guns in Hackbridge

The festive spirit? Don't get me fucking started. After a month of half-arsed and contrived piss ups by Christmas Eve I was flagging, so what did I do? Went to the Euston Flyer at lunchtime when the office closed for beer and whiskey and then headed south for a pre-arranged meet at the Hope in the occupied territories for some beard on beard action.

You Can Say No

When the news first broke about the fact we'd have to replay our FA Trophy tie with our 3rd Qual conquerors Concord, rather than getting the free pass we assumed their administrative faux pas would grant us, I personally wasn't all that fussed. Mainly as the FA announced the rematch was set for Wednesday the 16th December which is precisely when I was due to be soaking up some pre-Crimbo sun and wolfing down Paella in Valencia with the missus. So the Trophy could get fucked quite frankly.

Baby Oil, Bubble Wrap & Bin Bags

Three minutes. Three fuckin' minutes. That is all it took to take the maximum points away from us. Not for the first time this season have we let an away side back into the match by switching off in defence. Still a point is a point is a point as they say. And with many teams around us losing, the damage done was slightly limited.

Don't Touch My Sausage

So we're off back to Maidenhead Hayes & Yeading a lot earlier than anyone had expected. In fact, it was only five weeks ago that we saw them once again win down the lane by the solitary goal from their solitary chance. I was hoping that one day I would be able to see them play in this new ground of theirs, but I have more faith that the development team might actually have a match soon!

No Supervision = No Regulation

As many of you are aware, we in The Firm can be quite a handful where drink is concerned. Most of the time it is ok because our fun is always regulated to an extent by the whip. And that whip is usually kept in the hands of someone sensible. Problems begin when it is not in the hands of someone sensible, like me. Because for this trip it was down to yours truly! Need I have to remind you of trips to Concord last year and Chelmsford to name but a few?

The Eternal Pessimistic Optimist

The Surrey Senior Cup. Let's just take a moment out of our busy lives to think about that. There is actually no tournament bigger in the whole county you know. But then as you might also be aware, I possibly have a tiny, little soft spot for it. That is why, once again, it is down to me to regale you with the tales of our second round tie against the former FA Amateur Cup winners, Walton & Hersham.

Chicken Cup-A-Soup

You know what, I think we might have offended someone at the FA. I know I know, hard to believe a bunch of upstanding chaps such as ourselves upsetting anyone, let alone the national arbeiters of our beloved game. But there has to be something iffy going on when you consider the crappy draws the sods keep giving ups in their competitions.

Dukey Don't Camp

Football, it's a bit of a passionate, tribal sport innit? I mean, ok it's a lot softer and cuddly and safer than it used to be, but there's something to be said for losing your shit occasionally. It can be quite cathartic. And I say that as someone who may have had a shout or two in the past. No, really. Hard to believe I know.

Juan's 37th Birthday Spectacular

So here we are again, another trip back to Stortford. It seems like only a month we were here in the old FA Cup. Or course everyone knows that it was a whole seven weeks ago. And since then we had won a few, drawn a few and lost a few. But also today we were to celebrate a birthday of one of our own, that of none other than old Juanita himself. The question was, will he bother turning up? You all know that 37 is a very special year in your life.

Undercover, with a Carrier Bag full of Stripe

Bollocks, I knew I should have volunteered to do the Oxford game - a feisty Monday night encounter against a top side where we showed our mettle and should have really come away with all the points. A clear sign that we were pushing on - or maybe not?

Tu Madre es un Puta!

Yes ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls. The rumours are true. We actually have a home league game for what feels like the first time in jeffing ages. Ok, so the last time we were at home was really only 3 weeks ago against Hemel in the cup, but that was one of just 2 at GGL in our last 9 fixtures. And when you do awaydays like we do, it can be something of a test of not only your wallet, but your physical wellbeing too.

There is Popcorn in my Gravy

Langney Sports Eastbourne away must be one of those trips that, say if a militant, family friendly, football supporting, sitting down terrorist wanted to remove the historical traditional working class supporters like ourselves, he could do so quite easily with this fixture. Looking back at the previous blogs, since the resurrection, we can work out certain key events....

What Does the Fox Say?

And so another exit from the FA Cup. It is a shame that we didn't make the mighty first round and its also a shame we didn't play quite as good as we can. But unlike a defeat in the great Surrey Senior Cup, I cannot say that I was disappointed or disheartened. To be brutally honest I think I was more pissed at the stewarding than anything else.

Liquid Filled Camel Balls

Shut the front door. Stop your grinning and drop your linen. It's only the Duke's 100th tale of Gandermonium's continued battle with alcohol & Sutton United! In fact, such is the joy in my ticker, I feel a song coming on. So let's get down to a good old fashioned country hoe down and repeat after me (whilst drinking what ever you can get your hands on of course)....

Can We NOT Play You Every Week?

Thank christ that's over. If we don't see Hemel sodding Hempstead FC ever again it'll be too soon. Of course, it's not really their fault, but those twonks at the our lovely governing body who've seen fit to give us them 3 years running in their poxy comps. And of course, with 2 of the ties going to replays, that's FIVE meetings in 3 years without even counting the league encounters. I think it's safe to say that if we get paired up again in the Trophy this season, both sets of fans will be sharpening up the pitchforks and setting course for North London to torch FA Headquarters and their stupid velvet bag.

Oxblood & Mustard

Now we don't do this for the plaudits. Or money (Ha! If only!). No we do this writing about boozing and Non-League football for the sheer melonfarming love of it. And no awards or baubles or people blowing smoke up our arses is gonna change that in the slightest, oh no. Having said that though, we were just a little miffed not to get a nomination in this years Football Blogging awards.

You ungrateful bastards.

Hemelite? Ain't that a Beer?

Well where to start with this one then eh? First part of a double header against Hemel (today’s league game and then next Saturday in the F.A Cup up at theirs). Dukey needing a little bit of break from being a keyboard warrior and it was I who was slung to the forefront to bring you this weekend’s league fixture. Anyway before all that guff, let me fill you in on some events in Juan's life in the past week and trust me, they are as boring as ever.

Bashing the Bishop

Ah the magic of the cup. The time were we get to forget all the worries of a nine month season and concentrate for ninety minutes on a piece of silverware. Of course I doubt there is much chance of see ing Sutton lift the old girl up at Wembley, but never say never. So where are we starting this years quest? Bishop Stortford no less. Joy.

A Bridge Too Far. For Some!

Damn those egg chasers! If it wasn’t for their bloody daft World Cup being held in sunny old England (plus a couple in little Wales), then the train tickets for today’s trip to wouldn’t have been the ridiculously large sum of £53! Some of us ain't made of money you know!

Same Foul, Two Different Cards

Just for Totts, but Fuck a Duck! What sort of a night was that then? Well you would think that just for once, we might be able to have 90mins without the twat in black making some big calls that change the way the game is going but wouldn’t you know it, our luck wasn't in tonight.

A Little Bit of Escu

What the fuck is this? The Duke doing a home Saturday blog? Well it's true, so you will all just to live with it! Today's game has us take on an undefeated Gosport team. I've been supporting Sutton for many a year now so every game seems to either add or subtract years depending on the result at five o'clock on a Saturday afternoon.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

It’s Friday night and I’m on a train and heading over to Leatherhead to see an old mate of mine who recently proposed to his Mrs, to discuss some wedding plans as he has indeed appointed moi as one of his Ushers. Is this a good idea? Only time will tell. I did however take to winding him up, by telling him I only needed to memorize three critical words, Bride, Groom, and Bar. That’s all the key information you need to know when attending a wedding right?

Its A Long Way Back to Epsom

Just when you think you are having an excellent weekend, something always goes wrong. For us boys this weekend, it was once again a 90 minute performance from the lads on the pitch that seemed to hark back to the anguish and torment of last year. There seems to be a running pattern of not being able to string a set of decent performances together.

The Great Semi of '93

Occasionally, once every so often, when the planets are in alignment we here at Gandermonium are forced to scrub ourselves up, brush our hair, put on some clobber that isn't an Amber football shirt and jeans and go to do adult stuff. Which as you've probably guessed by now, isn't our specialist subject. We do not adult well. Adulting, we are not good at.

No Taste of The Honey Pot

Maidenhead, oh good old Maidenhead. For a simple away day it does have a reputation for getting slightly out of hand when the Gandermonium boys are in town. I was just hoping that this game would make a change from the debacle that was Mr Kaye on Monday night. Luckily for everyone, Juan was in the driving seat for that one because if it were me, then, well there might've been a bit more swearing involved!

Tales of the Golden Boot, a lookalike, a Manc & some Truro.

So there I was at Dartford, the game finishing at 2 a piece and I thought I’d join the boys for a quiet couple of pints, and maybe a gin or two. That kind of feeling "Well it’s the weekend, and I haven’t got work next week, so I’ll let my hair down. Have a few beers Juan, go enjoy yourself..." Well I was so wrong!

Dukey did mention in his last write up about the Juan disappearing trick Saturday night, so let me fill you in...

You Don't F*** Around in Thamesmead

So finally we get to our first away game of the season that falls no the traditional drinking day of Saturday. And where did the football gods decide to send us this season? Only to bleeding Kent and another poxy non-smoking ground with a town that is not really in our top ten of favourite destinations.

I Havant, Havant I?

I was beginning to dislike the 2015/16 season something rotten. As mentioned in the blog from Taz on Saturday, my relationship with technology is somewhat like that of Amish. In fact, considering that most of my electronic devices have gone the way of the Dodo it will come as no surprise that I nearly managed to break my latest new phone, whilst still in the shop. Having not actually bought it yet.

Derbi Della Synthetico

With another largely forgettable pre-season over (getting drunk in Winchester and Jersey aside!), it was finally time to get the proper stuff underway. And luckily for us, the Conference fag packet fixture computer gave us a nice attractive opening day match up with newly Promoted Maidstone. Who, like us, also have one of those new fangled Fred Gee pitchamaroo thingys. So naturally, the U's marketing team came up with a snappy tagline to help advertise the first game on 3G in England's 6th tier. *Drum Roll*

'The 3G Derby'? Oh...

Minority Report

So, the last of the PSFs. And it was back to me to cover it, seeing as Totts had been on duty during the week to do the Bobbins two bob 3G pitch. So I said to the EIC I’d cover the last game before the season gets under way, I’m now somewhat regretting that decision and idea.

Let there be light!

You know that pre-season is grinding its way to a welcome conclusion when your occasional columnist is lumped with doing the blog twice in a couple of weeks. Attempts by the editorial board to feed me some old horseshit about being “the Fred Gee pitch specialist” and “the right man for the job” were just a cover for the fact that not only couldn’t anyone else be arsed to write this report but some of them couldn’t even be arsed to attend the game at all.

Welcome to the Yawnfest

Ah, good old pre-season. No matter what you expect to get from it, the games always seem to be a bit of an anti-climax. With our little excursion to Jersey now a distant memory (But the physical reminder in my guts remains) of a week ago, we got to entertain a team that some consider more of an equal.

Croque Monsieur

Now, everyone knows pre-season games are crap. We all know neither side is really taking it that seriously and there's nothing at stake. So why would you bother? Usually, it's just boredom that draws you in. A few weeks without football and you'll watch any old pony. But, once in a while, someone dreams up a friendly that's not only worth going to, but also provides a weekend on the lash.

Three Cheers for Fred Gee!

With Gandermonium now playing with an all-out, four man attack it fell on my shoulders to cover the historic match officially opening the new Fred Gee pitch installed over the summer at Gander Green Lane and with a bumper crowd in on a drizzly night against a Croydon Posers XI.

El Plastico Fantastico

It’s that time of year again when the football season is once more upon us for the next 9 odd months or something like that. And well, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these write up things (as Duke reminds me every bleedin' day of my life). Seeing as I missed most of last season due to rebuilding the Golf and getting it back on the road, a little project I thought which turned out to be a major one, never the less after getting my orders for the Editor in Chief (Taz), I thought I’d better get my arse back into gear and write some kind of interesting update to keep all you Gandermonium Fans pleased. Or something like that.

It's Like Deja-vu, All Over Again

I'm sure we've all been here before. For last season's opener I made a little ditty about being like the clap. Well to be honest, if we've still got it then we really should seek medical help. Even if we ask Dr Bell for some advice, then we will be heading in the right direction. But, lets not get bogged down into the world of sexual diseases and continue on with why you read the blog in the first place (if only we knew why).

Gandermonium Film Review - 'United Passions'

Picture this. A man is sat in a car. And over his shoulder we can see he's making a note in his notebook, meanwhile he has a half eaten sandwich hanging out of his mouth. This of course tells us this guy is a real big shot. A player. Someone who doesn't even stop for lunch. Notes underlined forcefully in his notebook, the camera switches to a wider shot & the man steps out of his car. A bronze coloured early 70's Ford Capri.

2014/2014 Season Review - Part 3

Having failed to set the Conference South world alight in the previous 5 months, there were signs of life towards the end of 2014 and we'd managed to win a few. Will this be the catalyst for one of our now customary post-Xmas charges up the table in the final third of the season? Will any of the crew find themselves miles from home and having to sleep on a station again? Why do we bother? You'll find out all this and more in this exciting final installment of  our end of season review!

Maybe.

Lila Weisse & the Random Applause (Berlin Pt2) - Football Abroad

Despite the rather lacklustre events of the previous evening, I still awake with a somewhat foggy head. Although I can't decide if that's a response to having gone so long without a beer between dinner the previous evening and then entering a properly ropey Techno joint about 100 yards from our apartment, or the pounding electronic tunes we'd been exposed to whilst we smashed back a few desperately needed bottles of Veltins.

At it like a Lidl Checkout Worker (Berlin Pt1) - Football Abroad

It's 3AM on a Sunday morning and I've now been up for 24 hours. Lets just say that I'm very disappointed with what is currently being displayed on the old box before me. For years, since I was knee high to a bar stool, I was always impressed with the difference between what us Brits got in respect to "Adult entertainment" in comparison to what our European brothers from across the Channel got.

2014/15 Season Review - Part 2

Welcome back! Well, in Part 1 of the not very exciting rollercoaster ride that was the season just gone, we got off to a ropey start (again), recovered a bit, went back to being ropey and pretty much levelled out from there. Still, we've always got our customary post-Xmas charge to look forward to! Haven't we?

So, make yourselves comfortable for Part 2. No no, we insist. Mainly as we've barred all the exits and no one's going bloody anywhere until this bit has been completely finished. Do we make ourselves clear? Good...

2014/15 Season Review - Part 1

Here we are again! Another campaign over and despite the hopes & dreams we may have had after last season's second place finish, things didn't exactly go to plan for us this time out either. And then some. Injuries, lack of form from new players, lack of form from old heads, more injuries, lack of goals, far too many errors from far too many players. You name it, it went wrong.

Still, if you thought last years review was a bit of a bastard to re-live, you ain't seen nowt yet! And no, we're not thinking of going into marketing.

Title Amended For Legal Reasons

So here we are. The end of another season. Another 9 month journey through the hurly burly, all action world of the Conference South draws to a close. And what a journey it's been. Confusing, dismaying, appalling & disappointing in equal measure and just the once or twice briefly lulling us into thinking it actually wasn't actually a waking nightmare and would improve. So a bit like commuting on Thameslink really.

Snuff, Muff & Love Puff

So here we are, the final away game of the season. Lets be honest here for a moment and say that 2014/15 won't be ever considered a vintage year. In fact I would say that this is possibly the worst season we've experienced under Our Lord Dos. Saying that there were several moments that will stay with us at Gandermonium. But I'll leave Taz to recap them in his season review later.

And Here's One I Made Earlier

Ah Easter, Some would have you believe that it is all about the death & resurrection of a carpenter's boy from Bethlehem. Others think that it is a free four day weekend to lounge about in their pants watching Jeremy Kyle. I just think it is the annoyance of trying to get two games into three/four days that never quite go to plan.

Cliff's Summer Holiday

When Blues legend Robert Johnson sold his soul to the Devil at the crossroads he could have saved himself all that hassle of dealing with Old Nick and just headed straight to Borehamwood – a place so relentlessly soulless it makes Hackbridge feel like Rio when the Carnival is in town.

Zebra's Leg

Easter. A time the lord Jesus raised from the dead, a big bunny wanders around spread joy to all the little children with his not at all creepy chocolate egg delivery concept and we get to spend a long weekend watching football, as well as writing a load of old toss about it. Oh and drinking. Ain't life magical?

I Would Make Anthea Turner's Tracy Island!

Positivity, that's the word I was after. Its now been over seven hours since Gomis plopped the ball into the Bromley goal. One solitary point for the whole of March to show for a team running out of ideas and low on confidence. I could go on with various stats like: One win in two months, five goals in nine matches or five points out of a possible twenty seven but I'm not going to as I've been saying for weeks that Eastbourne away was going to be a positive. I'll just not mention the football, much!

Total Eclipse of the Fart

Sometimes ladies & gents, you need to get a handle on real life. A sense of perspective if you will. Take Friday's eclipse for example. As expected, southern Britain ensured we'd miss out on this once in a lifetime spectacle with skies so grey & impenetrable they'd make Beijing City Council consider suing for breach of copyright.

Said the Bishop to the Sailor

I went to the doctor the other day and he said he was worried about how much alcohol I was consuming. He asked me how many units of booze I had consumed this week and after I told him '21', he told me 28 was the maximum and that I'm fine after all.

Guess it was a good idea to go and see him on a Monday then.

Is it tomorrow or just the end of time?

Hello punters, me again. Today's nonsense was supposed to be brought to you by our resident king of Ska Punk, Totts. Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances, mainly me being a dickhead and forgetting to tell him he was on duty, you're stuck with my bright & breezy manner for the second game running.

And given the way things panned out, I'm glad I forgot. He'd have bloody killed me for lumbering him with another load of depressing old shit.

Is It May Yet?

Isn't it funny how when the fixtures first come out that you look for the good aways, the shite midweeks and then pick out games that you imagine will play a huge part in that ultimately successful season you're definitely just about to have. You know, those big top of the table 6 pointers.

Tonight's was meant to be one of the latter for us. Hindsight eh? What a twat.

What in God's Name is Floccinaucinihilipilification?

Me & Technology don't always see eye to eye. In fact I think that sometimes it has a laugh and pokes fun at me. Take this fackin' mobile doobry whatsit. Recently it decided to update its self and download a new piece of operating software. Within it, was Nokia's answer to Apple's 'Siri', called Cortana. And she sounds just like the bird off the Halo games.

I'm Not Getting a Prince Albert!

You can never quite tell where some of the bullshit that emits from our mouths actually originates. Most of the Firm would no doubt blame me for it and they are probably right to a certain degree. So, how did we ended up in the Donna Rachele discussing Prince Albert piercings on the trip back from Gosport? Well read on my son...

Stupid Cupid

Valentines morning in the Totter household.
"Do you fancy going to Sutton United this afternoon sweetheart?"
Mrs Totts; "Er, why?."
"Because its free for the ladies, and you're worth it."
Mrs Totts; "Fuck right off."
Who said romance was dead?

Going Krazy in Katzenjammers

It was only meant to be a simple trip to Essex. Get in, get out and be home for tea. But, like most Gandermonium trips, it didn't quite go as planned. You all know what we can be like and the things that we get up to but on this trip we took it to another level. So lets start this tale from the message I received informing that I, the Duke, was going to be in charge.

Bad Irish Whiskey

Amazing the difference a couple of weeks makes. The last time I got to scribble stuff and bore you all to death, it was for the Merstham Surrey Cup game. Which if you were there or merely read my well balanced, quality reportage on it, you'd know didn't quite go as planned. In the same sort of way that Napoleon's invasion of Russia could be said to have not gone quite as planned.

The Consistently Inconsistent Referee

There are some people that would say that your football luck averages itself out over a season. They claim to some sort of Kismet or Fate that plays its hand over time. Well I don't give two shits about all that bollocks and things never truly even up. You just have to roll with the punches and except what is, is. That's what happened against Hemel Hempstead.

A Pocketful of Pepper

This blog is being sponsored by the National Black Pepper Appreciation Society in conjunction with the Association of Black Pepper Consumers. Some have said that Black Pepper is a kind of addiction for me and to be honest it probably is! For some reason I ended up at the end of the night with not only a packet of Waitrose's black pepper but also a pepper mill. How did that happen?

Just Wasn't Jamie's Day

What the fuck? We actually won a game! Get in there my son! There be dancing in the streets of Raith tonight. It goes to show how much a win can lift your spirits. Of course that totally buggered up the start of my blog and I nearly had to re-write it entirely. Taz will no doubt be chuckling in his tea, knowing that trying to get ahead would blow up in my face.

Merstham Moatside Misery

Merry New Year reader people! Yes yes, I'm well aware it's the 14th of January. But I've been unwell you see, so this is the first opportunity that I have had to bring you the greetings of the now long departed festive season! I did think I was over the worst of my terrible illness, but then I had a huge relapse, became utterly delirious and found myself on the way to fucking Merstham for a Surrey Cup tie.

Four Blokes & Donna Rachele

Another defeat and this season isn't getting any better. I'm in no doubt that we won't go down, luckily there are worse team out there like Staines. Saying that, there goes our 100% record against the bottom teams and we now find ourselves only two points in front of Weston. But with the demise of Salisbury we are five clear of Stortford.

My Passion is a Smokescreen, Apparently

There are far too many games in such a short space of time for me to keep up with all this shit. Yes, I know I wrote last time that Taz was going to take our 200th Blog but now you are lumbered with me. Unfortunately, he either is now apparently serving a one home match ban if you've spoken to our Firm Leader or possibly has a touch of the old two bob bits. (It's flu you fuckwit - Taz)